


Hitting the Bottom

by MeredithBrody



Series: Brody/Gibbs [3]
Category: NCIS, NCIS: New Orleans
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drug Addiction, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-06 15:22:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4226925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brody doesn't know how to deal with the Moultrie and Emily's death, leading her down a dark path.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pinkyb27983](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkyb27983/gifts), [PinkAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkAngel/gifts).



> I have no idea where this came from, but I hope people enjoy it.

**From the scrapes and bruises, to the familiar abuses**   
**I'll kick and scream but that never changes anything**   
**And I could spill my guts out, wearing my best little girl pout**   
**And I almost missed it, but nobody said that this was gonna be easy**

Was there really any point in continuing this charade. For Meredith Brody the last year had shown her that she really wasn't worth anything. She was a fairly decent agent, but only if she wasn't left on her own. She was the reason five sailors were dead, and they had all had so much to offer.

She didn't know what to do without Emily. That was how this had all started. Emily had died and she had shut down. Then after the incident on the _Moultrie_ she'd started drinking. Anything that could have helped her cope, help her forget the look on Hooper's face as she'd shouted at him to stop. She still remembered the image of him and the others after the bomb had gone. Hooper was dead straight away, so were two of the officers. The others... she remembered everything about that day. That's what she was trying to forget.

No matter what she did, she couldn't push it out of her mind. She'd begun drinking more, and more, until one day someone had offered her something to make her forget for a few hours. It had worked that first time, then she'd just kept trying for more. That was how she'd made it to this point. She barely knew these guys, and they shared nothing in common other than the need to get high.

Maybe she'd been worth saving once, maybe she'd had a life that was going to go somewhere and change something. She'd long since been nothing but a waste of space. She was still trying to disguise her problems, to pretend that she wasn't in as much trouble as she was, but it wasn't working at all. At this point she was pretty sure that everybody knew.

She had tried to give up, to put the drugs behind her and stop using them, but it hadn't lasted. As soon as the nightmares started, the dreams where Emily, not Hooper, blew the IED, she was done. She couldn't let go, and she couldn't deal with seeing that over and over again in her mind.

**Most times it all comes out wrong,**   
**I don't know the words but I'll hum along**   
**There's nothing familiar here anymore to anyone or anything left to feel alive**   
**And I still taste that sickness and it makes me crazy without it at best**   
**But I'm in the same place I used to be, but I'm trying harder not to be**

After almost a year she was at breaking point. One year ago today her twin sister had been ripped away from her, and that had been the beginning of the end. She had known at that moment that she was never going to get over it. She knew what she'd needed to say back then, and what she still needed to say, but it was far too hard. How was she supposed to ask for help when all the words came out jumbled up and confused, and nobody truly cared enough anyway.

There was nobody familiar left, nobody who knew her and cared about her. They had all long since left her, and she had nothing that was keeping her grounded. If nobody cared about her, nobody would miss her anyway. She didn't feel like she was really alive anymore. She was just floating through life, and not doing it very well. Every time she stopped to think, she realised how long it had been, and she'd end up pulling more toward her, and scoring another hit.

No matter what she did she could taste the drugs in her mouth. She could feel them pumping around her veins. She knew that sweet relief and oblivion was coming. Brody was getting more and more desperate when it came to trying to score. She just wasn't sure she could live without it now. She could taste it, smell it, no matter what she was doing. Without it she was going crazy, and there was absolutely nothing that could stop her from feeling terrible. She wished she'd never started this, but now she couldn't stop.

She had fallen into this place. She wasn't like those other people whenever she tried to go to rehab. She had started using because of a trauma. Because of PTSD. She didn't know if that was a reason or an excuse now. All she knew was that she had so much that she regretted, but she didn't see any reason to change. Sometimes she imagined what Emily would say, but that would inevitably lead to her wanting to see her sister again. The only way that would happen would be if she gave up on all of this.

Trying to get out was just not as easy as she'd though, and every time she got a foot on the ladder she fell back again, and she wasn't strong enough to keep going when nobody was going to care either way. She just wasn't a priority to anybody, least of all herself.

**This is not the man I hoped to be**   
**And I'm just trying to stop the bleeding**   
**I don't know how the words go**   
**I just started not to say no**

Saying no seemed like something there was no longer any point in her doing. Whether she said no or not, the people that she had found herself associating with were going to try and take what they wanted from her eventually. Giving up seemed so much earlier. After the last year she didn't deserve to walk away alive anyway. She wasn't who she thought she was, and she couldn't stop the feeling that any good in her was seeping out of her through some invisible wound.

She felt the four men in the room move closer to her, and she was already certain that this was going to end one of two ways. She didn't know what was going on in the rest of this house, but she knew this room. After a few seconds of them moving she sensed someone else coming into the room, and somehow she knew this one, the smell was all she needed to know for certain she knew had walked in. Why was he here though, when she wasn't worth saving. "Boys, you might want to step away from her."

"Who the hell are you." She heard one of them answer, and she wasn't entirely certain what happened next, other than the men who had been crowding around her since she'd pulled the needle out of her bag had backed away. She was too out of it to really know more than that, but she was free another day, and that was a big thing. As soon as he spoke, she knew who had arrived, and what he'd done. Some part of her mind was still working well enough to know that.

"Federal Agent. I suggest you move along." There was a coldness in those words that froze the room, but a moment later he dropped down next to her. She sensed him looking at her and closed her eyes ashamed. She knew what he saw, what they all saw, but she just hadn't been strong enough to stop alone. "Meredith, what have you got yourself into?" He asked softly, and she didn't know how to answer that.

"Gibbs?" She asked cloudily, putting her hand on his cheek. She hadn't seen him in a long time, and the last time he had seen her she'd been so much more worth his friendship. She'd had everything to live for. No longer. James was gone, Emily too. She was responsible for five deaths, and she just wanted it all to stop. "Just leave me to die."

"I can't do that, come on." He picked her up, and she just closed her eyes and hoped that he was too late. He took the needle from her arm and pulled her along with him, never letting go of her for a second. Really, there was no good reason for keeping her alive, so she didn't know why he'd saved her.


	2. Chapter 2

**I lock the door**   
**Turn all the water on**   
**And bury that sound**   
**So no one hears anything anymore**   
**Mirror lie to me, tell me you can see**   
**Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now**

The door was the only thing that separated her right now from facing all the judgement that she probably deserved. She remembered everything that had happened the night before, and now that she was coming down she knew that the shame was coming. She still didn't know how he'd found her, but she also just didn't care. She'd tried to sleep, she'd tried to stop wishing that she'd died in that heroin house, away from everyone else.

She stood and turned the taps of the bath on slowly, so they made as much sound as possible. That was when she stripped off and looked at her arms and legs. She was covered in track marks, and she realised how bad she'd gotten recently. She then looked at her skin, paper thin and brittle. She could see almost all her ribs. There was nothing healthy about this.

All she wanted to do was scream about the hopelessness of this situation. She looked in the mirror and was momentarily convinced it was lying to her. She looked gaunt, with dead eyes and hollowed cheeks. She didn't look like the person she remembered. She hoped that Jethro couldn't hear her wails of anguish as she began to face the depth to which she'd sunk. There were a lot of things that she could cope with, but she was pretty certain that that would push her over the edge in another direction.

Hiding and burying the sounds she was making along with the emotions she was feeling she climbed into the bath and tried to clean herself off. She wanted to think about something else, but as she cleaned over herself she discovered new things about her body. Things she probably shouldn't know. Why had she ever started this. Why had she ever though that this was a good way to cope.

She caught sight of herself in the mirror again as she stood up, and she barely recognised herself. If she didn't know this was her, she would have been questioning the magic mirror. How anyone had known it was her was far beyond her. Was she this sick looking to everyone.

**It only hurt a bit**   
**I still feel like shit**   
**And I think you won't be able to recognize me now**   
**It's easier to quit**   
**It's harder to admit**   
**And you're pushing me, you're fucking pushing me!**

She already had the shakes. Recently that had been the sign that she'd needed to score, but she knew that she wasn't going to be allowed to score. The fact that she had the shakes would mean that the pain and the paranoia and everything else would be coming in the next few hours. She decided that coming out of the bathroom was probably the better idea, before Jethro broke the door down to check on her. He was being a good friend, and she was happy about that.

"How did you find me?" She asked as she walked back into the bedroom and tried to sound like she actually cared. She didn't, it was something of passing interest, that might intrigue her or interest her as time went on. He seemed to have noticed that she wasn't quite herself still, either that or he was just always this watchful of people who he saved.

"There was an undercover agent in the house who worked with us in Manchester." That was five years earlier. How did anyone remember her after that long, how did anyone recognise her now. That was so strange for her, and she didn't really know what to think, or what to believe. Jethro didn't care, he just continued speaking. "He called me rather than the authorities."

"How did either of you even recognise me?" That was still the most strange thing in this whole story. How anyone recognised her, and why anyone would care to find her. She had never thought she was that person. The one that people would chase down because they were worried about her.

"Meredith. You and I share something, I could recognise you anywhere." She let that sink in for a moment, and wondered if that was true. She knew that something had connected them on that case, but she hadn't realised it had been so serious, for either of them. Now though, she had to admit he was right. That gave her something to focus on. "We're going to a doctor." He muttered after a little while, but she wasn't doing that.

"No we're not." She was forceful, and she was willing to fight him on that point. He might think that would help her quit, but it wouldn't. The quitting part of this was the easiest part, the acceptance, the recovery... that was always much easier. That required more than she was able to give. "Quitting is easy. Admitting I had a problem is hard."

"You do have a problem." He said simply. It was easy for him to see it that way. She did have a problem, but not the one he thought. Her problem was her inability to cope. Her inability to see anything good, anything as being worthy of keeping her alive, of keeping her moving. The addiction stemmed from that, and if she managed to get through that she'd start finding things earlier. She knew that going cold-turkey was the best thing for her.

"No." She still wasn't going to admit it. The fact that he'd seen her at her worst didn't matter. It was a one-off. That's all he needed to know. He didn't need to know that there were nights she couldn't remember, normally in more trustworthy establishments, and he didn't need to know that she had been doing this for almost the entire year since the Moultrie investigation ended. She wasn't ready to be pushed into treatment. Would she need it eventually? Almost certainly, but she still wasn't ready to be pushed into it. Jethro wouldn't stop though, she knew him better than that. If he'd decided that she was going to be his reclamation project, then he wouldn't stop until she was sober. That was going to take time, and she knew from experience that withdrawal was going to be awful. She needed to choose for herself.

**Laughin' like it works**   
**Bleeding like it don't hurt**   
**Knock you off your feet**   
**Even if you need me**   
**Tear you apart and I hate how I need you**

He didn't push to make her see someone, and he didn't push to make her leave. He just left her in that room until she needed him. She'd sworn to herself that she wasn't going to do anything whether she needed someone or not, but the early hours of the withdrawal weren't agreeing with the determination. She needed something. She didn't know what, but she needed something. She was shaky, lethargic and feeling sick to her stomach. One or the other symptom made her cry out for him, and he ran back into the room and took hold of her again. "I got you."

"I don't want to need you Jethro." She sobbed into his chest as he wrapped her up, and she remembered how it felt to be held and protected. She was still wanting to push him away, because she really didn't want to go through this. Yet at the same time, facing it alone felt even scarier. She wasn't sure she could do that this time.

"I know." He didn't sound insulted at that, or upset. He just accepted that. She didn't want to need anyone, but at least she was accepting his help. She had debated that, but he genuinely wanted to help her, and while he would eventually push, right now he was letting her do thing the way she needed to do them.

"Why did this all have to happen to me?" She cried into his arms, her hopelessness and anguish over everything in her life returning. Merri knew she needed to face all of this, but she didn't want to. Right now she just thought that floating away to some imaginary land would be so much easier. "I just want to die." The pain, the shakes, all of it. It was too much for someone who didn't deserve to be alive anyway. She should give up now and just let this sickness win.

"I don't know. But you're getting through." He placed gentle, light kisses in her hair, and she knew that he was trying to pass some of his strength and belief over to her. She still wasn't buying it, but she wasn't going to argue with him. "You'll make it." There was confidence in his voice. A confidence she didn't feel, but she believed him anyway. Right now he was probably clearer headed than she was, so if she needed to believe anyone, she'd put all her trust in him, and accept that he was going to help her pull through.


	3. Goodbye, I'm Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide is heavily implied in this chapter. This fic is dark as fuck you know.

**Time has run out for me, everything's distant and I don't know what to believe**  
**It's so hard, lost in the world's confusion and I need to leave for awhile,**  
 **Life is so meaningless there is nothing worth a smile**  
 **So goodbye, I’ll miss you**

She had known this was the end of her for a while. No matter how many meetings she went to, everything she was given to try and help, it didn’t stop the hatred she had in her mind. Meredith Brody had been the cause of so much pain and suffering, and maybe if Emily was there she could have dealt with it. But Emily wasn’t here, and Meredith couldn’t cope with it.

Jethro had been her constant companion in the year since he’d found her. She loved him for that, and for everything they had shared, but that wasn’t enough for her to stay. Not when he would have a chance at a good life without her being there. He could find someone who didn’t constantly need reassurance, or need his support. He could find someone who deserved him.

What she found most was that with her constant distance and confusion from the rest of the world she didn’t trust much, what she did trust was that she was done now. She couldn’t keep going like this, as she didn’t have anything that made her smile. She tried for Jethro, but it wasn’t real, and it was getting harder and harder to pretend.

The truth was, he would be the only thing she would miss, and at the end of a long list of things she’d written to make sure things were said to her friends, to her parents. The things she wanted on her grave, and the songs she hoped would be played at her funeral, she left a not for Jethro.

_“You have been the best friend, and the best partner, I could have ever asked for. You have been everything to me, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t repay your kindness and return the simple joy you seem to take in our time together. I truly, deeply love you, and that is partly why I know I’m making the best choice. I will miss you, every day for eternity. Please don’t be too sad that I chose to end it. I couldn’t continue. Your Meredith xx”_

She sealed it in an envelope and left it on the counter, where Jethro would see it as soon as he came in. The biggest regret she had was that he was going to have to be the one to find her. That was regrettable, but she couldn’t think of a way around it. It was going to have to be something that happened. She just couldn’t wait.

**It's been the years of abuse,**  
**Neglected to treat the disorder that controls my youth for so long,**  
 **I'm in a fleshy tomb buried up above the ground**  
 **It's no use, why should I hold on?**  
 **It's been five years, don't need one more**  
 **So goodbye, life's abuse...**

She had a bottle of things all set out in the bathroom, and she locked the door and looked at it, slowly but surely taking everything in it. Midway through she heard Jethro returning from work. She knew he’d find the letter, probably before she was finished. But she wasn’t ready to let him stop her. That was why she’d locked the door. Sure enough as she downed the last pill she heard the running footsteps and the jiggling of the doorknob. “Meredith. Open the door.” There was a hint of panic in his voice, but she was the opposite, now she was deadly calm. It was all going to be over.

“I’m sorry, Jethro.” She said calmly. Sliding to the floor, already feeling the first effects. She knew they wouldn’t take long to work, and she was already having damage done to most of her internal organs. She was accepting of it all.

“I will kick down this door.” He threatened, shouting through the door, and when she didn’t move and open the door she heard the sigh, and then she just waited for him to join her. It took three kicks, and she was sure most of that was only because he was so panicked about getting through to her.

“It won’t matter now.” She whispered as he started taking her pulse and checking her over. There was one simple reason, and he needed to know. She had left the bottle out, but she was certain that wouldn’t matter too much now. She’d taken enough that it wouldn’t be too long. She wanted to vomit, but she wouldn’t let herself. It might make it less effective, and she needed it to be completely effective. “I wasn’t strong enough for this.”

“What did you do?” He demanded, but she just smiled a little at him and tried not to feel guilty that she was being a little flippant about it. She simply didn’t have the strength to keep going any longer. It wasn’t possible for her to feel like life was worth living.

“It’s time to say goodbye Jethro. Please remember, none of this was your fault.” She whispered and kissed his hand. She hoped he wouldn’t blame himself, because of everyone in her life, he was the only one who had shown her any kindness in the last few months. He was the only one who had done anything at all to help her. It hadn’t been enough.

**And I'm sorry, but this is my fate,**  
**Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay**  
 **And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long,**  
 **So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me,**  
 **I'm not worth any tears**

Jethro looked horrified and terrified at the same time as it dawned on him that she’d already done what she’d written about. He slipped onto the floor next to her and wrapped his arm around her. At least Meredith would go being held by the only person felt made living worth it. Without him she wouldn’t have lived this long. “Meredith, why?” He asked and frowned. She smiled at him a little and kissed him lightly.

“Because I’m worthless, and you’ll be so much better off without worrying about me.” She said honestly. She wanted to make life easier for him. Nothing mattered as much as the fact that he would be better without her, and she would be better without the constant pain and cravings and self-hatred that she suffered through every day.

“That’s not true.” He shook his head and stroked her cheek. She leant into his touch, memorising how that felt. She hoped that wherever she was going she’d be able to remember how that felt. She spent so much time thinking about herself, she really hadn’t thought too much about Jethro and how he would deal with this. “I love you.” He whispered, and she felt a stab of pain.

“I love you, but you will be better off. I promise you.” She would do everything she could do to make sure that he was safe and protected. She loved him too much to leave him without thinking that she could help him, and protect him, from the afterlife. “I’ll watch out for you.”

“The paramedics are coming.” He told her, and she tried hard not to laugh. It was getting harder to control her reactions, or to do anything at all, she knew she was mostly limp in his arms now. Could he tell how close to the end she was? She hoped not, because that might push him over himself, and she couldn’t deal with that.

“They’ll be too late. Nobody will cry over me anyway.” She knew that he would, but she was counting other than him. Nobody else cared enough about her to even notice she’d be gone. Other than Jethro, nobody had cared that she’d been destroying herself. No matter what, her useless life would soon be over. “I’m not worth anything.”

“Don’t say that, it’s not true.” He scolded her, and while she knew that he was possibly right, she refused to believe it, or accept it. She wanted him to pretend that she was worthless, to help her pretend that life was not worth living any more. OK, he wouldn’t believe it, but it was so painful for her to continue, she needed it all over.

“It’s time to say goodbye, Jethro. I’m sorry.” She couldn’t keep her eyes open. The medley of medications she’d taken working to black her out before it stopped her body working. The last thing she saw was his face, and the clear pain she saw there. For a moment she regretted what she’d done, however soon she stopped thinking about it, knowing in a few days he wouldn’t even miss her. Then, a moment later, she stopped thinking altogether.


	4. Shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Gibbs POV, and also the actual last chapter in this.  
> The song for the last chapter was "Goodbye I'm Sorry" by Jamestown Story  
> The song for this chapter is "Shattered" by Trading Yesterday

**Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding**   
**Fall into your sunlight**   
**The future’s open wide, beyond believing**   
**To know why hope dies**   
**Losing what was found, a world so hollow**   
**Suspended in a compromise**   
**The silence of the sound, is soon to follow**   
**Somehow, sundown**

Gibbs had faced this before, but never in these circumstances. It felt a little bit like he’d died the previous day too. He’d been sat with Meredith for hours after the doctors had given up. He was her legal next of kin, and now he needed to tell the rest of her family what had happened. A family he had never met, and who were going to blame him. All he could think was that not so long ago he’d been looking to the future, their future.

Maybe it was time he let hope die. Bury it along with Meredith’s remains and accept that it would be better for all concerned if he didn’t get involved with anyone. He had found someone who had helped him feel alive, but he hadn’t been able to help her piece her shattered parts back together. He had compromised with her on so much, allowed her to go on thinking that she was a useless person.

The silence of the darkness was the one thing he could depend on, besides the lone candle burning in his window there were no lights in the house. He refused to turn them on, not when he wanted them to match his emotions. He hated what was happening far too much to seek out light. He knew their friends were worried about him, but he didn’t care enough to placate them.

Meredith had made things so easy, so simple. Maybe that had all been part of her act for these last months. Convincing everyone, including him, that she was coping well with getting clean, that she could still do her job, and be a functioning person. Had it all been a lie? Had she become that accomplished at hiding the truth that he hadn’t even suspected.

He had suspected though, if he was honest with himself. He probably should have asked more. Thought more. Tried to understand how she was feeling and where she was coming from. They had all made mistakes, but the amount of tragedy that Meredith had experienced in such a short time had pushed her over, and no matter how many people had supported her, or tried to help her, it had clearly all been too little, too late for her. Maybe if others had been involved in her care she could have worked it out more, but that was all thoughts for another time.

Simple fact was, he needed to take her home to Michigan, and make sure she was buried alongside her sister. He’d promised in her dying moments to do that. He’d promised her that he wouldn’t forget her, and he wouldn’t let them do anything that she’d hate. But he still needed to figure out the things that were bugging him. He wasn’t sure he could just bury her and forget her, like she’d asked. He needed something, and right now he didn’t know what.

**And finding answers, is forgetting all of the questions we called home**   
**Passing the graves of the unknown**   
**As reason clouds my eyes, with splendour failing**   
**Illusions of the sunlight**   
**The reflection of a lie, will keep me waiting**   
**With love gone for so long**   
**And this day’s ending, is the proof of time killing all the faith I know**   
**Knowing that faith is all I hold**

Days later he was in a graveyard in Michigan. The names on the headstones around him were all unknown and unfamiliar. He had no ties to this place. Nothing that really should have brought him here other than Meredith. He had watched her parents sit at the front of the service and cry. He’d lost a daughter, he knew how they felt. But the last months they hadn’t even tried to help her. The crowd that gathered had been in the hundreds. Families of victims she’d gotten justice for, people who’d known her in school and college. Every federal office had sent a representative, whether for him or Meredith he didn’t know.

Now he was just stood in front of the still-unfilled grave, wondering what she really had been thinking in those last few moments. Was she scared, or was she at peace. Was she thinking of only herself, or was she thinking of everyone else. He knew it wasn’t rational or reasonable to be thinking that way, but he couldn’t help it.

“What were you thinking of, Meredith?” He muttered, still looking into the grave, for a fleeting moment he thought about climbing in there and talking to her, but then his rational mind reminded him that she wouldn’t be in a position to answer him either way. “Did you really think this was the only way out. I wish you would have spoken to me.” She may have tried, and he may have ignored the warning signs. Just like he’d ignored so much since they’d been together.

That he was the only thing that had kept her going had to have been a lie. She clearly hadn’t thought he was enough to keep going, otherwise he wouldn’t be stood here, broken again. “Why didn’t we have more time together? Why didn’t I listen to you more, or take more time to tell you that I loved you?” He could ask all of these questions forever, and never get a reasonable answer. He would never know what was the truth, because she’d never told him.

As the sun started to set, proving to him that what little faith he’d regained since Shannon and Kelly had died had been lost again. A gentle pair of arms had come and started leading him away. He didn’t know who was there, or anything about the person moving him. All he knew was that they were taking him away from Meredith for what could be the last time, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

**‘Cause I’ve lost who I am and I can’t understand**   
**Why my heart is so broken rejecting your love**   
**Without love gone wrong lifeless words carry on**   
**But I know all I know is the end’s beginning**

Once inside, he was sat between Dwayne Pride and an FBI agent who had known Meredith, and both had tried to tell him that things would get better. That he would never forget her, but that he needed to not let this completely ruin his life. They didn’t seem to understand that he was lost again, confused and concerned about who he was. There was no way he could see himself being repaired this time. He wasn’t sure he could trust anyone again. He was a broken, damaged man who couldn’t let himself cause pain again.

Everything about this was horrific and sad, and he knew that there were people here who were just as saddened and broken by Meredith’s death. All he knew was her last words were of love, on the video he’d made a month earlier, where they were having a picnic. The last time he’d seen her smiling freely, not allowing the horror she was fighting control her. The end was beginning for him, because he simply couldn’t continue doing this.

His heart was gone now. It had always been shattered, but the last piece was left with Meredith. He had nothing left to give. He wasn’t going to stop thinking about her, talking about her. There were things he could do, start giving lectures about how dangerous PTSD and drugs could be for people like him, people like Meredith. He could talk about the things she’d do to make him laugh, even in the midst of all this.

Losing everything felt like the end, but maybe he could do something that would help others, maybe he could bring some of those around him into it to help him. Maybe his shattered remains could be used as some morbid form of show and tell, proving why suicide and drug addiction were never answers. He would want to try and make people see that Meredith had died for no reason. He was going to have to deal with her death for the rest of his life, and he had no idea how to do that. He was never going to be the same, and he would miss her for the rest of his life.

**Who I am from the start take me home to my heart**   
**Let me go and I will run I will not be silent**   
**All this time spent in vain wasted years wasted gain**   
**All is lost hope remains and this war’s not over**   
**There’s a light there’s a sun taking all shattered ones**   
**To the place we belong and his love will conquer all**


End file.
